How do you CHOOSE???

How do you know which one is the *one*?

This is a question that people ask me a lot, especially people who have a biological child with DS and are considering at some point adopting a child listed on Reece's Rainbow.

It is so hard to look at all of those faces and know that each and every one of them need families, and you only get to choose one. So hard.

But if you are feeling led toward adoption, and the time is right, you will be led to your child. I promise, you will!

It's important to realize that every story is different. If you're waiting for something to happen that's similar to what happened with someone else, it probably never will. I'm sure you know that prayers are answered differently for different people. But I'd love to share our two experiences with you anyway. Maybe there's something that I write that will help you when you're making that big decision.

With Anya, we were already in the process of our homestudy and were actually, at the time, planning to be placed on a waiting list for a healthy baby or toddler from Ethiopia. I had no idea that a child with special needs was in store for us. But it was one of those "line-upon-line" things.

About two excruciating, soul-searching months into our adoption process, I started feeling that our future daughter was not a "healthy" baby or toddler after all. I started considering the possibility of adopting a waiting child. (A "waiting child" is one that is waiting to be chosen. She is either older than, say 3-4 years old, or she has some sort of physical or mental abnormality.)  I typed "waiting children" into Google and saw Reece's Rainbow come up. I clicked on it, and was immediately intrigued. I started pouring through all of the photos of the children  and looking at their sweet faces.

At first, I thought NO WAY could we have a child with special needs! But then I started thinking about it some more. What if I had given birth to one of these children? Would we have given our baby up because she wasn't perfect in the world's eyes, or because I thought I couldn't handle the stress?  Of course not.. I mean, we have a strong marriage, we live in America, we have the Gospel...we have everything that we need.  We would have gone through a period of grieving the loss of a dream, then we would have moved on and cherished our child in every way that we cherish our others.

So...here came the next question. "If I can't imagine giving away one of these precious babies, then why can't I imagine adopting one of them?  Do we know any less about parenting a child with special needs than someone who is given one through birth?

Of course we don't. No one feels ready and willing to tackle this responsibility when it's placed in their laps. No one.

Before I knew it, the fears and misconceptions started falling away, one by one.  We started discussing it, then we started including it in our prayers. In a matter of days, we went from "no way, not us" to "this is home."

So, now we accepted that this is where the Lord had lead us. But here came the hard part: Choosing a child.

I spent hours on the website, looking at many pictures and descriptions. After a few days, I narrowed it down to 3 or 4 and mustered up the courage to inquired about them.  Andrea at RR strongly advised me to join the RR Yahoo group.  I did that, and started reading the posts that were written by all the ladies who loved these children so much.

Then after a few days came the miracle. One of the ladies on the group posted a link to the profile of a little five-year-old girl named Tatiana. She was excited because they had just replaced her picture with a more current one.  She said that their family was in love with her but couldn't bring her home and she was hoping that "her mama" was reading her post today.  I thought, "I know I've already seen every face on that website, but I'll check it out anyway.

When the link opened up, I saw this picture. I sat and stared for a long time.  But this time, it was different. This time, I saw not just a cute five-year-old girl with DS, but I saw my daughter.

My first thought was that she looks like I did as a little girl, only with characteristics of Down Syndrome.  I read her profile. Most of the concerns that I had were resolved in the profile. Before I knew it, my heart started pounding and my hands were shaking. I walked over to the kitchen sink to do some dishes and try to shake the feeling. Before I knew it, tears were pouring down my cheeks.  So many feelings flooded to my mind all at once. I recognized this girl. I knew her. I felt excitement, but at the same time, I was so scared! We had a daughter with Down Syndrome!  Could this be real? Wow, I wondered when I was going to wake up from my dream.

A little while later, when the kids and Jeremy came home, I showed them her picture and told them about my experience. It was such a sweet thing to see my kids' eyes swell with tears as they looked at her and felt that same recognition. Jeremy immediately said, "She's the one. Let's just go for it!"

I think back to that time, and I realize that I needed to have a powerful experience like that in order to have the courage to move forward.

So that's the way we "chose" Anya, although we all know that this choice happened long before we were born.

Now, with Hazel, it was different.  We had experience with adopting from Russia AND having a child with DS in our family (Anya had been with us for almost a year.)  So the scary-factor was gone. We knew that there was one more little gal with DS out there for us, but after looking at all the pictures on RR, there wasn't one that stood out too much. This time around, I was more interested in making sure that the region was easier to adopt from than Anya's was (she came from a very tedious, unpredictable region) and going from there. So I did some research, learning about the requirements for the different regions. I was drawn to Region 8 for it's possibility of having the 3rd trip waived, and the easier dossier. Then I saw Hazel's picture again.

Her eyes had a sparkle to them that I knew would light up any room. I loved that. However, there was no information about her health or level of functioning. Only a few words: "active, affectionate, and calm." OK, she's active and calm at the same time...whatever that means. And she's affectionate, that's good. Well, there we have it...all the info we're going to get at this point.

It wasn't this huge event like Anya's was. But as I continued look at the other little girls on my narrowed-down list, (I say "I" not "we" because Jeremy sort of left the choosing up to me,) I just kept coming back to her picture, over and over again. Her eyes kept telling me that there was something special about her. Something just for us.  She continued to grow on me more and more every time I came back to her picture.  It's been 3 months since then, and she has woven her way right into our hearts, just as Anya had.

So, these were two very different experiences. And people all have different stories of how they knew which one was "the one." But the only advice I can give is to just follow your instincts. It's like any decision you make in life, and very similar to choosing the one you will marry. At least it was for me. The Holy Spirit will give you answers in different ways. You may have thoughts come to your mind when you're not even thinking about it. Thoughts that break down barriers in your mind or help you look at things differently. I think it's pretty rare to see your child's eyes in a dream (like my sister did) or to just *know* the day you see his/her/their picture, like I did with Anya.  But if you keep your heart open, the Spirit will lead you to your child, whether it's through a picture or a blind referral.  Each adoption story is different, but always includes a series of many miracles.

If you have adopted, how did you "choose" your child or children? Or how were you lead to them eventually? (I know some people who weren't even looking, and their children were led to them!)  I love adoption stories.  Hopefully my next post will include some referral letter and travel date news!