Conversations with Jen

A few days after we discovered Tatiana and knew she was ours, I called my good friend, Jen who lives in Boise.  She and her husband Dave have four children.  Their third son, James was born with Down Syndrome.  He happens to be one week younger than Tatiana.  I told her what had transpired in our lives recently.  The first thing she said was, "Whoa."  Understandable.  I think she was a bit shocked.  But Jen has known us for 16 years.  She knows that we wouldn't choose to bring challenges into our lives without having first spent many hours on our knees and receiving a clear answer from Lord that he wanted us to do so. 

(The photo above is of Jen and I sporting our pregnant tummies on New Years Eve 2008-2009.  We had our babies twenty minutes apart from each other the following April!)

In an effort to better prepare us for the change Anna will bring to our family, at least on the Down Syndrome side of things, I asked Jen if she could e-mail me some of her thoughts on what it's like having a child/sibling with an "extra chromosome."  Here is what she sent me:

Heather,

You have been on my mind sooo much since I heard about your journey toward Tatiana. Every day since you called and expressed your concerns, I have observed James in another light, in a more questioning way... would I CHOOSE to have James this way if I could? Would I want to adopt a child with Downs Syndrome? As I have him and thought about the things that I and my family have learned since we have had James in our lives, the answer is simple... I would do it all over again and again! He has been such a blessing to our family. We would be missing out on so many blessings by NOT having him in our family.

How is raising James different than raising my other kids? I always tell people that it's just like my other kids, except he is in slow motion.  You get to enjoy all the milestones because they don't pass right before your eyes. As you know, your baby learns things so quickly. You look back and think, "How and when did he learn to do all that?"  With James, I get to watch him learn it all. On the flip side, these kids have to try so much harder than typical kids. But the feeling of accomplishment is so much more rewarding. I am so proud of how hard he works.

James requires more patience from our family when it comes to his speech. For example, if we are all in the van driving somewhere and the kids are watching a show, all the sudden James will start yelling like something is wrong. He's unable to tell us exactly what is wrong. It's then that I ask my boys, "Why is James upset?" they then admit that they fast forwarded through a part on the movie that James wanted to watch. Since he is strapped in his car seat, he can't show us what is troubling him the way he normally does.. by showing us with sign language, gesturing, etc.

It's funny, even though James requires more patience, he is the most patient child we have.  He'll patiently wait outside under the basketball hoop for me to finish what I'm doing inside... just to shoot a few hoops with me. When he has a need, he will wait WAY longer than any of my other kids do... whether it's reading a book together, being served dinner, playing blocks, etc. He's just so grateful that I came out to play or fulfill his need. He would never get mad at me for "taking so long", unlike my other kids. What an example!!!

James is like a magnet wherever we go. Just last week, I was at my 1st graders class. I was showing off my baby girl while James was with his brother. I started to take a picture of my little girl who had found a cozy cubby spot to hang out in. It was then that a lady came up to me and said, "um.. you should be taking a picture of THAT instead". I looked over and sure enough, there was James at the front of the classroom with probably 15 1st graders surrounding him. He was making them laugh and they in turn would gesture a facial expression. James would copy them and they would laugh again. This went on and on, as they went through various animal sounds and actions. I didn't even think any thing about it because this is normal. But the lady who said this to me just had a little DS girl and so she of course, was observing him. DS children are usually VERY social and lovable!

James does everything our family does. If my big boys are out playing football, there's James as well. When Dave comes home from work and we all run to greet him, James runs to him as well. When it's time to bless dinner, he demands that he gets a turn. He just does everything the way a 3 year old would, instead of an almost 5 year old. He totally understands right from wrong, as a 3 year old does. Right- share, touch softly, etc. Wrong - grab something from your baby sister, push something off the counter top. He gets time-out accordingly or has to make it right.

I do think about the fact that James could very well live with us forever. I imagine it would be like having an 8 or 9 year with you all the time. Can you think of a better age? As I look at all my 9 year old is doing, he's very capable and hardly needs me for anything, yet he loves to do what we are doing. My girlfriend who has a 33-year-old DS brother living with her, says it is awesome! In fact, his sisters all fight about who he gets to live with next. He goes to programs all day each day, has family jobs, is her hardest worker, and speaks very well. Your kids will love her so much, they will always have a special place in their hearts for her. My kids do for James.

Just the other day I was at my sons school presentation. His teacher pulled me aside and said, "I wanted to tell you what Sam said the other day as we were discussing the special needs kids that attend our school. We were discussing their differences and Sam raised his hand and so sure of himself said, 'My brother James is handicapped and he has Down Syndrome. He is so special to me and my family. He makes our family feel special and because of him, each day is special.' I could have cried as a mother, and I just wanted you to know how well rounded your son is."

So... Heather, with tears in my eyes, I AM so grateful that James is in our family and yes, I definitely would choose to have him the way he is. We are so lucky.

I love you, and I'll keep you in my prayers,

Jen