How Much Special Attention?

There is a delicate dance that parents of children with disabilities have to learn. That is one of deciding how much we allow our child to be singled out, and how much we want them to be treated just like everyone else.

Before our little girls joined our family, I would see news stories about things like an opposing team allowing the water boy with Ds to make a touch-down and it would warm my heart so much. It still does. But now, it comes with a little bit of discomfort.

Why? I have to ask myself this question.

I think it's because now that we have kids with Ds in our family, we don't see them as being "different." We know their extra chromosome makes them extra cute and at the same time makes pretty much everything harder to learn and do, but we don't think of this as a reason to single them out.

Anya and Bennett's Kindergarten Christmas Program in 2011

We just see them for who they are,  and we want the rest of the world to see them this way, too. While it's true that our special kids are here to teach us compassion and give people a way to practice being like Jesus, there's something that rubs a lot of parents the wrong way when their child is thought of as "the school mascot." And let's be honest. That's kind of what they are.

Do you catch my drift?

I'm in a facebook group that's all about taking action to help our kids with Ds reach their highest potential. One of the moms there posted a link to a local news story  in her state about a wrestling match where a boy with Down syndrome was allowed to win.

She was asking all the moms' opinions about whether or not it would be too harsh for her to post this comment:

"I love the kindness this 8th grader showed to his competitor and the love behind his action. But as a mom to a son with Down syndrome, I cannot advocate throwing matches to let children with special needs "win". They do not need your pity, even in the form of sports victories. They need respect, and to be treated as you would treat any other individual you met under the same circumstances"

The comments from some of the other moms really made me think. So much that I thought it would be good to write a blog post about this. It's good for parents of special kids to consider these points, as it is for the rest of the world, I think.

Some moms in the group said that response wasn't harsh at all, and encouraged her to post it.

Here were some other points that were brought up:

• It turns our stomach into knots when a 20ish person with Ds is brought on stage at a concert and everyone kind of babies him. At the same time, we can clearly see that at the man was thrilled and completely enjoyed it. The people who did it were loving. Why discourage that? Why deny something that would bring our kids joy?

• If we take away people's attempt to be inclusive and kind, will they just start ignoring people with disabilities in order to protect themselves?

• The boy with Ds who won the match is clearly happy about it, and it was obviously his first victory. But when the results of pity are fun, the pity itself can be a problem.

• Is pity bad though? Maybe it's semantics. If people serve us when we have our hands full, regardless of it being out of pity or kindness, we are thankful! When we give into the beggar, are we pitying him or bringing him relief and a feeling that someone cares? 

• Was it done out of pity, or simply to bring a smile to someone's face? We serve others to make them feel happy.

• These kids are genuinely trying to be nice by giving the kid with Ds a "moment." We want our kids to have their moments. But we don't want these moment to be faked. We want them to be something that they own and can be proud of no matter how big or small the accomplishment. 

• The intention is what matters. If a teammate is throwing an easy ball or if a teen with Ds is choosing to be the "team manager," it's different than when someone who doesn't know the person with Ds is coming in and assuming that the person isn't an equal. 

• It's tricky because we can never really know the other person's intention or assumption. We have to change from being protective and defensive to being a little more vulnerable and trusting people so that our kids can grow. If we assume the worst, we cheat them. We want to choose their friends so that we know they will be safe from ridicule. When they try out for something like a musical and they make it, we can't assume it was because of pity and not kindness or because they are genuinely liked. When we do that, we are the ones undermining them. How would it feel to a typical child if their mom thought everything nice for them was done out of pity?

• One person wondered why this was even in the news. If a superior wrestler threw the match to a kid who didn't have Ds, maybe just a kid that he knew wasn't ever winning, would it be in the news? Does it have to be televised every time someone is nice to someone with Ds? What does this say to the world? 

So much to consider.


I had to laugh at Anya's cute teacher in our IEP meeting the other day. I was asking her how Anya is doing in the hallway when the class in transitioning from something fun like the computer lab to going back to class. (Transitions are hard for Anya.) She said that as long as she lets Anya be the leader of the line every time, she's happy and compliant. So that's what she does. My first thought was to encourage her to not let Anya be the leader every time because it not only singles her out, but it makes her think she can always get what she wants if she puts up a stink. But then, her teacher said that she's learning that she has to choose her battles with Anya. (In other words...in order for her to not have to spend all of her time and energy keeping Anya happy in her class...to make full inclusion work...she just has to give on some things, and explain her reasoning in simple terms to the other students.) I totally get that. It's what we have to do here at home, as well.


If I was a parent without a child with disabilities and I read this, I would probably be hesitant to give special attention to kids with disabilities! I don't want to make people afraid of reaching out and being cute with them! They DO need more help, and they need to feel important sometimes.  But I think the key is to do it because they genuinely need it or worked for it, not just because of their disability. They are as unique as the rest of us, and need to be given a reason to work hard to achieve. They need to be celebrated for who they are as individuals, not as certain "types." That's my opinion anyway.

I know this topic stirs up a lot of emotion in parents with kids with disabilities, and probably rarely crosses the minds of the rest of the population. What are some of your thoughts?