Two Months Home

Two months ago we landed at home with our two little China boys. It feels like years ago. We were considering waiting until January to travel with the timing of my brother's death and our missionary son coming home. Can I tell you HOW GLAD I am that we went when we did! It's so good to have the super duper hard stuff behind us and to be moving forward!

Finding time to sit down at the computer long enough to put together an update post is a tricky thing! Liam is a busy two-year-old who likes his mama. So the only time I have when the others are at school is during his nap, and I can think of many other things that I need to get done during that time, as well! Today, Jeremy took the boys skiing at Beaver Mountain and Eli and Louie are hanging out at G&G Fillmore's place in Smithfield, so I only have the girls and Liam. I'm writing during Liam's nap time and at night. Here's a quick update on how things are going here at the Fillmore Zoo!

Language & Education

Both of the boys are understanding and speaking more and more English each week. That in itself is such a life-saver! Our little Russians who have Down Syndrome both have speech disorders and communication with them was (and still is) very difficult, so it feels like the boys are learning English at lightning speed. :) It's astounding to hear them repeat phrases back to us and hear them sound pretty close to what it's supposed to sound like.

Louie's new phrase this week is, "Mom (or Dad or whoever,) I need your help." That one phrase eliminates a lot of frustration! We still have tense moments when he is crying about something and we're trying to explain things so he'll calm down but he's not understanding what we're saying. I imagine myself, even at my age, being thrown into  China with a bunch of people who speak Chinese and I can't imagine how stressed out I would be. Louie's Chinese Immersion school is the best thing we have been able to provide for him outside of our home. He absolutely loves being there. I'm sure it's because he has the chance to hear and speak his own language for several hours while he's there. I imagine it feels like coming up for air. I'm so proud of him for trying so hard, though. He's doing fantastic with it all.

They really celebrate Chinese New year there! They have parties in the classrooms and they put on a big singing program for the parents! Here's video of Eli's class' song, then Louie's.

Eli is the one in the white shirt in the back.


Louie is on the far left, in black. Sorry for the shakiness and poor quality!

 

While we're at it, here are a few pictures of our Chinese New Year celebrations here at home! We had a dinner last Sunday night. Dad was still at the church so we had to eat without him. But the kids loved it!

I borrowed these Chinese outfits from another adoptive mom for the program at school. Everyone was ooooing and ahhhing over Liam. :)

Little Liam loves to say words over and over again, looking at me closely in the eyes for validation. He loves speaking English.  I don't think he was talking much in Chinese before we met. He never said any Chinese words, even to Louie those first few weeks. But his language is taking off now. He loves to label things. For example, he'll put on Anya's shoes and walk around the house in them, then come up to me and say "Anya's shoes" repeatedly until I say it back to him, acknowledging that he said it right. My favorite thing is when it's time for his nap or bedtime and we are lying on the bed. He goes through everyone in the family, including the dog, saying ni-night to them, even if they aren't home. What a kid.

Here we are practicing the words in his picture book. He loves doing this!




He also loves exploring the house. He's busy! Like I said, I don't get much done during his waking hours!

He LOVES bubble baths. He asks for them daily.

Bonding/Attachment

I love ni-night time with my little Liam. He loves to snuggle, and so do I, so it's our favorite time of the day. I feel like it's healing for both of us. He rarely objects when it's time to lie down.

A couple of weeks ago, he came down with croup. He had a fever for 4 days and sounded like a seal. He wanted me to hold him for much of the day and it made feel sad and grateful at the same time. Sad that this is the first time he's had a mama to hold and comfort him as long as he needed when he was sick. And grateful that God chose me to go and pluck him out of an orphanage in the middle of China and bring him into my heart forever. When I say it's an honor, I truly mean it. He has filled so many cracks in my heart, right now in my life. We've both experienced some significant loss. We need each other. 

I've also found so much joy seeing him slowly let each of the kids in. For the first month, he would scratch the older kids when they picked him up. But now, he relishes their hugs, silly teasings and kisses.

 He will also let his Daddy pick him up now when he's whining for me, which helps tremendously when I'm cooking!

Attachment with Louie, who is 6 years older, is a much more tricky pursuit. It's coming, but not naturally, like with Liam. It's slow and takes lots of work and lots of struggle. 

I have the feeling that he wasn't given much positive attention in the orphanage those first 5 years before he was moved to his group home. Besides the fact that the orphanage staff is limited, it's hard to snuggle a body that is so stiff. His little bird legs are unable to move much from their bent, close-together position, so when you pick him up, he kind of stays in the same position, and physically can't even spread his legs more than a few inches. So he can't wrap himself around you. I can't hold him with his chest next to mine (like in the picture of Liam above) and rock him. I can hold him sideways, and pick him up to move him from one place to the next, but the stiffness makes it hard. I'm looking forward to getting him started with physical therapy (still waiting to see what Shriner's recommends) so we can help him be more flexible. 

Anyhow, that's just the beginning. It's not that he's shutting us out. He's actually very affectionate with us.  This is a relief because kids with attachment disorders won't do that, especially this early in the game. We are having to watch him with older teens and adults though. The aides and teachers at school have been asked to not let him sit on their laps, and I have to ask the same of everyone who comes to our house and interacts with him at church. He still seeks affection from other adults outside our family, which isn't healthy.  

I was reading on an attachment website about the importance of hugging kids from hard places OFTEN. We should be embracing them a minimum of twelve times a day, chest to chest! Even with the other kids, I usually get one hug in the morning, one after school and one before bed, if we're lucky. Twelve times a day means pulling him in every time he does anything that warrants some praise or reassurance. The hardest time to hug him is when he's crying loudly about some silly little thing that he can't have. That's when he needs hugs, and I just don't have it in me because the cuteness factor is just not there. Do you get what I'm saying? There's nothing cute about a child who is crying his little eyeballs out because his brother got something that he wants, like a couple of pretzles. Liam throws tantrums with the best of them, but it doesn't affect my nerves like it does with Louie. I hate that, but it is what it is. When they are two, you brush it off because that's what 2 year olds do. But when they are older, it's really, really irritating. The connected way to parent is to empathize and shower them with affection until their brains switch out of fight mode. Meet them at whatever emotional level they are at because they still need to go through all those emotional stages. It sounds so easy. But it's H.A.R.D. At least for me. Jeremy is much, much more compassionate than I am with things like this. So my dear husband has been the one who has been putting Louie to bed on the nights he's home. I have been keeping myself aloof during those classic stressful times in order to avoid getting annoyed. Because when I let myself get annoyed by him, it feels like I've stepped further away from him, which starts a spiral of negative thoughts and emotions that put me into a funk, which makes me onery and nobody likes that. It's probably a good thing that Jeremy is a bishop right now though, because it takes him out of the house a couple times a week at bedtime. So I have no choice but to work on this bonding thing with this little boy who needs me...all of me...so desperately. 

He really is doing so much better now, though. We can usually talk him down when he gets upset. Progress. He also will usually quiet down when we ask him to. Not as much as we would like, haha, but some. Progress. Aslo, we can see that he trusts us much more, and we're trusting him more. Progress.

I've said this before, but if there weren't several other kids on about the same emotional level as him in the family, he would be SOO much more calm. He's just so hyper-vigilant and competitive. He gets all giggly and LOUD and hyper, which frazzles our nerves like you wouldn't believe. Jeremy says all the time, though: "He'll get it." 

I feel that, too. He's making huge strides. It's a lot like training a puppy. it takes lots of consistency and practice. Not something that's easy with the numbers we have, but it's coming along. #heavenhelpmeinthemeantime

Sleep

The biggest thing for little Liam is that he's now sleeping through the night! We accidentally forgot to give him his Melatonin one night and that was the first night that he didn't repeatedly cry. So we tried it again...same thing. Turns out, it was making him have nightmares! Who would have thought? Anyway...co-sleeping wasn't working for any of us and we really needed our sleep, so we started putting him in a crib after falling asleep next to him. He's been sleeping so much better now. Yay! 

And once we get Louie settled down for bed, he sleeps, too. Or at least I think he does. He shares a room with Eli upstairs and Eli says he occasionally gets up and turns on the light, so who knows. But as far as I know, he's sleeping pretty well.

Health

   

I took both boys to the pediatrician last month in two separate appointments.

Liam checked out great. The doctor doesn't have any reason to believe that he has hydrocephalus, like his file said could be a possibility. I asked her if we should schedule a brain scan just to be sure, and she said she would contact a neurologist to see what he thinks. Haven't heard back from her so I need to follow up, but I'm guessing there's nothing to worry about there. He's below average in weight and height for his age, but Chinese people are smaller than American people so we're not worried there. He's eating more and more foods and gaining weight. He's gained 2 pounds since he joined us. 

     

Louie is tiny for his age. At 8 years 9 months, he only weighs 41 pounds and wears a 4T.   He's not even on the growth chart, and far below it in height. I'm guessing that it's mostly attributed to  his Cerebral Palsy because of the muscle atrophy. He's eating really well. so I'd expect that he'll start growing here soon. Walking and even standing takes a huge amount of effort for him though. He has to really use his arms to keep himself upright. So maybe he just burns a ton of calories every day. 

He doesn't walk carefully. He takes off with no fear of falling. So every time I watch him walk or run somewhere, I'm on alert, waiting for the fall to happen. It's stressful for me...I can't imagine how stressful it is for him!  The school he attends has really long hallways so the district provided him with a walker on wheels this past week. He loves it! I watched him with it yesterday and it made me laugh. He puts his weight on his hands and runs on his toes, like he's floating almost. I'm sure it's very freeing for him to not fall. Look at the smile on his face!

I'm really looking forward to meeting with the doctor at Shriner's this month! I also need to meet with the spasicity clinic at Primary Childrens to talk about how to help him with his high muscle tone.

How are Mom and Dad doing?   

If we had only brought Liam home, I'd be doing sooo great right now.  But adding a child that puts you on high alert really rocks your world. Keeping myself from falling into a depression during these first months home is a full-time job. It was this way with the girls' adoptions so I know it's normal and that it passes. I went on Prozac at about this point after Hazel came home because I was so overwhelmed. I hated the side effects (weight gain & lack of energy being the main ones) so I'm bound and determined to get by without it! This past week I went to see my friend Jenny, who does Emotion Code energy healing. (Highly recommend!!) We cleared a lot of my negative thought patterns, which has helped me feel sooo much more at peace but it's now up to me to keep those negative thoughts OUT of my brain! I've started going to yoga again, which I haven't done in several years, I started getting up about an hour before the kids to study and ponder the scriptures (I was just laying in bed and reading a few verses before) and I go out for walks as often as the weather will allow.  Going on brisk walks, especially with friends is the best anti-depressant for me. This time of year in Utah makes it hard to get out much, but as long as the roads are clear enough and it's warmer than about 25 degrees, I'm out there. My sisters and I are going to try and get together more often, as well because we are a great strength to one another in our trials. I spent the weekend with them a couple of weeks ago and it lifted my spirits greatly!

Please believe me when I tell you,  I promise, I'm not "amazing." Well, at least no more amazing than you are!  I'm no better at this and no more patient than you would be if you were doing it. I've never been one that likes commotion. I struggled with each and every addition to our family. starting with the first because I like my peace and quiet. So having this many needy little ones at once, in addition to five others, and trying to balance it all, is trying me like you wouldn't believe. I count down the minutes till bedtime almost every night. 7:30 for Anya and Hazel and 8:30 for Eli, Louie and Liam. Then I just veg in front of the fireplace the rest of the night. :) Haha! I make mistakes daily and I have to rely on the Savior's grace to help me repent and to enable me to be the mother that these kids need. It's a daily process. Some days I feel like things are really going great and other days I would give anything to just run far away. Jeremy too. But I know without a doubt that we aren't doing this alone. We have amazing birth kids who love their little siblings so much, angels on this earth who lighten our load from time to time, and angels in heaven, assigned to us and our kids that we have adopted, who are surrounding us when we need them. God places his most vulnerable, helpless children in families, then as their families exercise faith and do their part, he enables them and BLESSES them in unimaginable ways! He uses these perfect little ones to further his work on the earth. To refine and bless those who know them. This I know with all of my heart! 

Jeremy is being carried. That's the only way I can describe it. He has so much to do and to think about every waking minute of his day as a business owner/boss, bishop and father that he doesn't have time to think about himself.  He is constantly thinking about others and I'm just amazed at the way he can  minister to the people in  our congregation with such devotion and still give so much..spiritually and emotionally to our family. When he's with us he's with us 100%. He has an amazing ability to compartmentalize his thoughts so he doesn't get bogged down. He does feel guilt often because he can't spend time visiting ward members like he wants to. But I feel like the Lord is compensating for this by sending other people to help them as needed. That's what the gospel is all about! People ask Jeremy often how he does it all and he always says "somehow it all just works." 

The Lord's work is real and true and and important to Him. He strengthens those who serve Him.

In Summary

We've come a long way this past month! We have lots of little trials and lots of big ones that I haven't even mentioned, but they are shaping us and we can feel the hand of God working in our lives every day! I'm grateful for the way that He is refining each member of our family through all of this. The older kids really have to practice patience with Louie and to try as hard as Dad and Mom do, to love and accept him. We all have to learn that life isn't all about having quiet when we want it and fun times often. We can't go do all the fun things as a family that we would like because taking all the kids with special needs is way too stressful.  But these sacrafices are changing us all for the better! I can see it. Nothing brings me greater joy than watching my children serve each other! I'm grateful for this calling that we have been given. I long for the day when it will be quiet in our house, but I'm learning to find JOY in the journey! That is the only way to get through our trials. We have to make adjustments when we start feeling choked by opposition. Feeding optimism is the name of the game! We are so blessed to live on the earth right now! Onward and upward! 

Have a fantastic February!!